Remain Thirsty

In an attempt to prevent my brain from becoming weak, I have started reading Hindi books. And as firm believer in serendipity, I got reward in form of ‘Azadi mera brand’, a travel memoir by Anuradha Beniwal gifted to me by Shabana. The book obviously inspires women to travel alone and liberate themselves from the shackles of patriarchy. Feminism echoes throughout the book. Along with it the book gives some deep life lessons.

When Anuradha talks about her childhood she says her childhood was about playing chess and becoming the world champion .She says she worked hard to become chess champion. But she realized in attempt to be the best she was losing the life.  Somewhere in between winning and losing the life is lost.

This one paragraph gave me insight into craving for recognition and to get awards. We all dream to achieve something and to be in the limelight. However the focus shifts from process to product, from journey to destination. If somebody wants to be the actor, he would dream for winning an Oscar. The process thus gets intoxicated with the lure for awards and recognition. The joy of being and doing is lost.

In my own case, my dream to become writer was not driven by writing something which would make feel happy or learning to write well but to win the Booker prize.Today, as I write this, it makes me laugh and sigh at the same time .A child who did not spend her childhood reading things which generally children read who are exposed to culture of reading since childhood. My world for books opened whenever Booker prize, Nobel Prize for literature were announced .I thought the best books have won the prizes. These are the best books .I was wrong. In the beginning, my understanding for books and writing was this shallow.

Howard Jacobson who won the Man Booker prize in October 2010 for ‘The Finkler Question’ said “I hope this Prize will solve that problem. That's the most wonderful thing about the Booker. It introduces the author to new readers and introduces the readers to the author. Earlier I've had occasions when people would come to hear me talk and confess they have not read me. But they do want to read me.” I agree with him. Awards at times may give you sense of achievement. It feels your sweat has been paid off well.

But then I also read about Kevin Carter. Kevin who, once was travelling in Sudan and he saw a starving girl who was eyed by a vulture. After waiting for some good twenty minutes Kevin was able to get the shot which would win him the Pulitzer Prize in 1994 for photojournalism.  At a conference, thereafter Carter was asked what happened to the girl, did he help her? The question haunted Kevin in his later life and he committed suicide two years after. The end was traumatic. Pulitzer was lost in the dust and death.

But we know, every coin has two sides. Awards and recognition are good motivators, but what if after winning them you feel empty and cheated. In our lives we are always told to be the bloody best and to go for kill. But if the process is so toxic and frustrating, how can one cherish the outcome. If the process is fun, the product by any means is worthwhile.

In academics often students are made to become machine too prove their efficiency .They are made to toil and lose out themselves in name of hard work. Awards are no mirror to what we are as human. In the end what matters is how are as humans. Awards represent something which is on top. This happens with humans in order to get on top, we lose the depth of the life, which results in irretrievable ruins.

My journey tells me that I corrected myself early, otherwise I would have written for Booker and not for my happiness. The content, the text and the cause would have never been my priority.I would have not made attempts to remain thirsty in life.