Reflections

After two years I am again caught in the topsy turvy situation , I feel chaotic from inside though from outside I appear patient. I hardly feel talking to anybody around me. I get drowned in certain emotions, but when I get out I am still not drenched. In night, I lie in my bed thinking everything and then feel depressed about nothing. I read but nothing seems to move me. It feels I have lost the larger purpose of my life in doing petty stuff.

But whom should I talk to. I never discussed it with anyone, what I feel,I just wrote. Writing about someone, these days I feel that I should look out for someone, may be a companion, but, who? Is that someone really exists? Is companionship is what my heart is seeking or something else. Everybody is busy and engrossed in their own world and nobody seems to care what others have to say. Everyone wants to speak and say it loud.

Life has become stagnant and it calls for a change, maybe I am not accustomed to this sort of life. My life has always been adventurous, I know there is so much to read, watch and listen and write about .but why I feel so disoriented. I am at times unable to connect with what people around me talk and laugh about. I feel detached. Writing similar stuff has made me depressed. Leading same routine hurts like anything. Though I take regular breaks visiting Indian Habitat Center and doing other stuff but still I am not feeling happy from within. Is it normal or am I over thinking?

See I don’t want to sound like rishis from Rig Veda who wanted to know deeper meaning of life –where it came from? What is the purpose of life? But I would like to still figure out why I am living on the planet. Is there some purpose or I would just end being a person who ends up discussing persons with other persons who are not present there  and would end up being a mediocre. Or would I do something for real. In a year to come I would become a post graduate and what next? What next? Would I be able to figure out what next? Seriously.I am unable to write what I want to. Procrastination. Very much responsible.

Also when I became a rabble rouser or to sound sophisticated can I put it as activist, I feel did I become one just for the heck of it or there is some purpose behind it.I dont want to become a pseudo thing in history of my life. I don’t know. It took me 5 weeks to understand stakeholders in community development. At times I feel I sit in class just for heck of it and hardly gain anything substantial. Is it my fault or system’s? I don’t want to get in all of that .Whatever may be I felt this sort of confusion in my life two three years back when I was going through lows, it took me by thunders. But I grew from that. It gave me endless lessons on how a life should be lived. I was such a nerd. But these days again confusion has trapped me in its arms very tightly .Maybe another change is coming, I am feeling something is going to happen. Change is for sure, otherwise wouldn’t be sitting typing all the confusion that I have in my mind. I am not content with what I am doing these days. I need change and it is coming.

We do so much things in college that it all gets mixed up and nothing in my head remains .Research, radio, lectures and other papers. Why am getting so confused, why life has stopped making sense? Why?